Hi, how are you?

It’s been so long since the last time I wrote.

Last time I was so confuse

And getting to much emotion

Right now … it is still the same


Falling in love … with my employee…

It’s really hard since my mom will be against it … as usual, I really don’t want to fall in love with him. He is not a Christian anyway (a non-negotiable deal with God)

But now, here I am so confuse and hurt. Don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to say no, to just stop feeling things because I love him, I open my life and heart AGAIN…. And again …. It’s breaking a part …

This is the reason why I can’t even let people get close to me, specially boys.

I don’t know what to do to unlove him. I really wanted to . .. well maybe this is what I want because this is what for the best



“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners”



Right now I am not okay, as is write this blog I am in pain.
It’s a matter of being turn between facing your life and choosing to do what your family want (even when it turn your heart into pieces L)
I ask God what is wrong why is He so quiet … Don’t He don’t want to talk to me anymore, I told Him that I will not continue His calling to me anymore, that I choose to step out of my comfort zone just to follow Him and to answer His call. I tried to be brave for Him, I do it all for Him but yet this will happen to me and my family, is this how He treat his Servant? His daughter?

But out of nowhere a piece of paper is in my bed, it’s handwritten is different and I can’t remember it, but I know that somehow I see that paper before (in seminar in our church somehow) it’s a piece of paper that is written with left hand (but right handed person) it’s in Isaiah 61 a verse that really hit me, it has a drawing of a lady and 4 younger people (students I guess)

Upon reading the verse I got amaze because it like God is talking to me directly, and saying to me “Hey, who am I again? I thought you know who am I? why are you so afraid then? I have anointed you … and why are you doubting now? Are you going to believe them more than what I told you? You will share the Gospel and me to the people who need to hear me, you will share the good news of salvation. That is your purpose.. you will bind the brokenhearted, you will bring peace to the people. Your light that is from me will shine to them and you will bring light to their dark life. That’s what I want you to do. That’s what we agreed isn’t it? Don’t you trust me? Don’t you have faith in me? Do not be afraid I choose you .. I ANNOINT YOU… “

I remember the verse in Exodus 14:14 “ The Lord will FIGHT FOR YOU, you need only to be STILL”

It make me say that, I am so stupid and so stubborn, I told Him that I will never leave Him, that I will continue to fight that I will deny myself and follow Him. But now I am afraid… to much fear, because of my family, because I don’t want to lose them, I don’t want them to feel like they are not important to me specially my sister, she stand for me she never leave me. But now I am leaving her, I am giving her too much burden. I am afraid that if I will continue to go full time, that I will force her to leave me. I love her so much even with myself. But how can I give up my purpose in life. How dare me to deny Jesus, but again, I’m asking myself maybe God will understand that I need to stand with my family.

please to the people who can read this .. help me pray for me … I’m in too much pain specially for the words that I heard from my mom, words that you won’t expect a mother can tell to her child. I don’t know, it really hurt me so much cause I love her yet all I can see is her anger to me.

Please pray for me, pray that  God will fill my heart and help me understand, help me to stand pray that my family specially my sister will allow me to go full time.

Please pray that I can overcome this depression I am facing right now… I don’t want this feeling anymore …


Thank you



To my Best Pakner BFF ^_^

Orayt … I’m posting this not as a blog or something but a letter to my Best Friend J

O yeah I’m so happy… so let me give you a little background of my friendship life with other people. I’m not that good person in terms of expressing myself to other. In addition, I don’t usually talk to people especially to guys that I don’t like. I don’t call someone my best friend unless she/he tell it to me that she treat me as her best friend. I’m kinda selfish in term of best friend. Especially before, I don’t really like people getting close to my friend. and when u say that I’m your best friend . You don’t deserve to have another friend heheh … J but something happen I got betrayed by my friend and it hurt not just once but TRICE.

Me and my pakner (partner) became close just last year… J but we know each other last 2015, She is a cool one, the best is she dress COOL… yes… as in cool .. I don’t like dressing so girly heheh, plus she play drums ^_^

I am 1 day older, and we do have lot of struggles in just a short span of our friendship … J

so to you,
my Pakner ^_^

I don’t know. well I bet you can visit my blog some of this day so you can read this ^_^. It’s January 19, 2017 and your 1 week stay in manila is so near …. I’m gonna miss you SO MUCH ….. !!!! You know I hate people leaving me… how dare you LEAVE ME …. I wanna punch you … WAHHHHH

Ha-ha    enough of the drama… J
well, I pray that you will have a very super safe trip and enjoy your stay in manila. Geez …
I know and trust you. I also trust God that He won’t allow bad things to happen to you … Don’t be stubborn ok go home straight to your dorm… -_-
don’t hesitate to text me to call you ha… ohh and call me too J
Also… let’s have some vcall hahah hope you got net there hehehJ
dude… I really gonna miss you

so to begin my letter to you (yes this is just the start) heheh
I wanna say … YOUR BLESSED TO HAVE ME ^_^ … heheh
I thank God that He bring you to my life. He bring a friend that will help me to grow, I thank God for all the struggle we face. I thank God for allowing you to open up to me. God knows how much I am happy that you’re calling me your best friend heheh J
don’t forget to stay strong. , we have a mission… and goal … and that is to honor God and make disciple … Plus… don’t forget that we will finish the race…

Best friend Forever J I believe we will… because God is in our center … and I thank you for having a longest patience in term of my stubbornness … Hashanah I may be older than you (just a day) but your so mature.. Thanks for everything

and let’s continue to





Paul and Silas …
In ACTS 16:25-26

 25 But about midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns of praise to God, and the prisoners were listening to them; 26and suddenly there came a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison house were shaken; and immediately all the doors were opened and everyone’s chains were unfastened.

at first I was not aware that Silas exist, it’s my bestfriend that introduce Silas to me, she told me that we like Paul and Silas, partner by God.

so now, we know and see that we are really paul and silas… as well as each and everyone of you reading my blog now.
In this verse, we read that Paul and Silas were sent to prison because of their faith. But they never stop singing and praying to God. Then earthquake coem and the prison door opened. Then everyone’s chains are brokenn…

so I have a 3 point in here
1. Praying and Singing Hymns
-we people Christians or not. We tend to say “thank you” when we receive gift or someone did good thing to us. But can we say thank you if a robber rob us? when we got punch? when your ex hate you? can you still say thank you and smile … from your heart?
well, that’s us .. that is our attitude, but it’s the other way around in term of Paul and Silas. They were bought to prison, were in both of their feet are chained, they got punch, no food, no drink, beaten with a rod, bruise and hurt. YET they choose to Praise God… WHY?? Because they knew God personally, they encounter God personally, They know that God will never Abandon them nor forsaken them. Because they have realtionship with God. to be honest as a christian, I encounter lot of times where in I ask God what is this happening to me, I tend to feed my emotion, I tend to focus on the hurt and negative. But now I understand that God want us to focus on Him, to trust Him that everything is under His Control. We don’t need to focus on ourself..
see how paul and silas choose to priase God, to still stand in their faith? that is a BIG faith …
we all know that earthquake is so devastating… it hurt lot of people, it bring down houses, and kill lot of people… Earthquake is same with our problem… imagine yourself in prison then while you’re singing to God, earthquake came … (I know I don’t have good voice but I hope God will not send earthquake when i sing songs heheh )
ofcourse paul and silas felt scared, if i were him I may even ask God to save me… that spare me… some of us may think that they are singing and proclaiming God yet earthquake came .. it’s like this … the moment I decided to surrender my life to God that’s the moment a lot of problem came to my life., I receive lot of problem and I lost money. at first I was afraid, imagine I step out from my comfort zone and now no one is protecting me, i’m getting hurt I shaking…. so afraid that I might bleed to dead and have a lot of bruise…
but i trust God, and know that He is in control , (as now I believe God is stretching my faith) and i can say earthquake are for my testimony … trials are for my testimony … and im glad to have great testimony

imagine this you’re in prison… earthquake came… and YOUR FEET ARE IN CHAIN … alright .. one thing is for sure I’m gonna die … hard way .. because I can’t move and i bet all the stone will crash my bones and for sure it will hurt a bunch ….
but God don’t want us to get hurt… He want us to TRUST HIM … for us to be safe … for us … to be spared…. for us to be ok ….
if paul and silas don’t trust God … i bet they will both die .. but they trust God… and God uses the EARTHQUAKE  the trials for silas and pual to set free… THEY GOT FREE… THEY CHAINS ARE BROKEN ….
not just broken .. but the door of their cell broke too .. all of them … you see when GOD GIVE A BREAKTHROUGH it is OVERWHELMING
God teaching us to trust HIm.. and to endure the TRIALS… for we will having a breakthrough in the future …
we need to wait … we need to stand FIRM

they chain are not just brokn … but they even got a change to share JESUS TO OTHER PEOPLE .. TO OTHER PRISONERS….

so to make this wrapup since it’s already 2am in the morning …
we need to stand FIRM.. when you think that nothing is going to be OKEY .. when you think that God is not there anymore … DON’T BELIEVE THE LIE OF THE ENEMY … READ YOUR BIBLE .. AND KNOW … WHO IS GOD .. KNOW HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD …
and you will see … and know personally that GOd willl never leave us nor forsaken us …

for He knows that plan He have for us …
Jeremiah 29:11

so .. there.. Goodnight guys .. my head is hurting already hahah


God bless every one ..
God bLess Israel 🙂

Falling in love to a wrong person

most of the time I fall inlove with a wrong person.

i feel the pain, and it really hurt me.

Feeling inlove is what we all wanted right? at the same time being broken is nobody’s dream… sometime I told myself that I need to control my emotion, to not just be in love again… I don’t want to get hurt again.

but I can’t, and this time I knew that I’m inlove with a wrong person 

this person is not bad or whatever, but I knew that it is wrong.
I ask God many time, why did I ever felt this way. I don’t want it really… But why …
I ask Him, and told Him that He know that I’m not good at controlling my emotion.
but why did He allow me to fell in love with this person.

But I believe God just want me to be stronger than before.
It’s been so long since I felt this emotion, I guess it’s been 5 years?
I’m happy that I can still feel this, but sad because I know at myself that it is WRONG
and I can’t continue this feeling anymore.

I need to stand in that, I need to keep on fighting. Everything will gonna be alright.
I love this person so I want the best for that person, and the best for that person is NOT ME… and even when it hurts all I want for that PERSON is to be on the right track, the BEST … and nothing but the best ….

It is really hard … but I know that I can overcome this, all I want is to see that person smile, laugh and see that person getting better.

I will surely offer my emotion to our God, that in time this feeling will not control me… and I still thank God that He allow me to feel this, that I felt happiness whenever I’m with this person.

to you … that persoon i’m talking about .. hehehh I bet someday you’ll know that it’s you, someday you’ll read this.. (even you don’t like reading my blog haha) I just wanna say that i’m happy that God bring you to my life. i’m happy that you are doing great now, that you are getting better, continue what your doing. I’m sorry if I don’t have enough guts to tell you my true emotion, I’m just so scared… terrified… and I don’t like to confuse you… You need to focus … one day I hope we just laugh about this …. I’m always praying for you .. so that you will achieve what God’s plan for you… stay strong … keep it up …
as what God say there are BEST YET TO COME 🙂




as I was walking with God


in a place that is not familiar …


I wander around,

I go left and rigth,

I enjoy it though…

but something is not right…. I don’t feel at peace


yeah i enjoy … but I know that this is not what God


want me to do … He want  me to focus back to Him


like the first time … my first love want me back …
and now I’m coming back to my first love ..

my God…


thanks God for You never failed to amazed me


and YOU never leave me 🙂


continue to guide me and protect my thoughts LORD




You cry at small thing, you always cry…

You get emotional … you get sad …

You don’t know what to do….

You can’t filter what other is saying to you…

You got easily get hurt when someone stab you in the back…

You trust too quickly and too quick you got hurt too….

You forgive all the time… in return they abuse you…

You try to help other…. Forgetting you also need help….

You get all the blame… then overthink at the end….

Is it like a cycle?

Yes you is WEAK!!!

But, being weak is OKAY… really …. Being weak means you still need someone to depend on, and that will be Jesus.

Be proud if you are weak, for He will give you strength. He will help you in everything that you need.

Do not worry, just trust on His timing.

Yes it is easy to be said but hard to do, right?

I may not know how hard your struggle now, I may not know how hard you are trying to be strong, to keep that tears from falling down your eyes. I may not know what running in your mind right now. How you cope with your problem… how you want to JUST END everything… to remove all the pain your life….

I may not know what your struggle now, but one thing is for sure, you are getting on the right track now.

Every single person got a problem, they are all same. The only different is how we react in our problem how can we cope with our problem.


Don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault. Please don’t

“How can I face this mountain?”

We all ask the same question in some point of our life. We can face our mountain, we must be brave and trust in our God that will guide and show us how to overcome our mountain.

Faith that God can remove the mountain of our life, well that’s what every one of us want. That out of nowhere our problem just disappear or that we receive an answer without effort. If that is the scenario we can easily put our trust in our God.


What if our scenario is that we need an action, an obedience to our Lord? Sometimes mountain don’t just move or disappear but we need to climb it, climbing the mountain is not easy. You will encounter lot of difficulties, like river crossing, heat, thirst, hunger, ache foot and more.

Sometimes God want us to trust Him, that He will give us STRENGTH TO CLIMB our mountain. That He will be with us while climbing our mountain. That he will lead us to the right path. NO SHORTCUT… why?? Because He want us to learn something from that, when we encounter so much pain it stay in our mind in that way we will be more mature and stronger than before, because we learn something new.

Do not be afraid to walk with God, to climb our mountain with God. He overcome the world surely He will overcome our mountain us well. We just need to trust in God, He is cultivating us, training us to be a good soldier.  We are getting better, than before. Don’t lose hope for we have God. Trust in His timing, please don’t give up.

I’m not saying that you should act strong… NO…. we are weak… so don’t act strong if you are weak. For God our Father know us from head to toe.

He will be happy if we ask for His help. Sometimes we thought that He is not listening in our problem, no He always have a time for each every person in the world. Believer or not…

He listen to our affliction all the time. He listen to our cries… He know how hurt we are … when we got hurt, He got hurt too….

Let’s just trust in Him, as we ask help from Him we must as well follow what God want us to do. Sometimes God given us a lot of answer and choice, but we tend to go on our own comfort zone, to follow what we thought is right. Follow God, you may thought that it will be hard, but don’t lose hope, ask for strength to our God, for us to follow what He is asking us to do …

I will be happy to pray for you.




2 Corinthians 12:10

10That is why, for the sake of Christ, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.