First Test… Family

atfirst at thought everything will be easy, everything will fall according to my plan, that i won’t need to worry about anything. Everything will fall according to plan. But I was wrong, even though we have a business.

It is more challenging now because I got two work, I got two responsibilities (ofcourse we already have a lot).

I thought my sister will be the one that I will be in struggle since she is the one that won’t go to church with us. But God is good all the time, she told me that if I’m happy with Campus Missionary just go.

“alright everything is according to my plan ”

i was so happy and then God say, but it’s not my plan, let see

so God show me how she gonna deal with me and it’s my mom that struggle me. She don’t want me to go to church anymore, (only once a week )

and it really hurt me since I go to campus, and i do some ministry in music. I ask myself God is this dishonoring You if I won’t follow Your calling. I need to focus .

to make my long story short (since i’m kinda sleepy it’s already 2am)

I was like out of focus, I forgot that I have a big god and everything is according to His plan not on my plan. I just need to relax and stand firm🙂

after the YES … now what?

Alright, I already say “YES”, now what?

What should I do, what will happen, can I really do this, what will happen next year?

I got lot of things running on the back of my head, a lot of question that is hard to answer.

I’m a worrier, I worry a lot and ask lot of thing in my future.
Every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I go to campus with my friend/partner. She is currently on OJT (on the job training) for CM, and I was like her intern I’m a volunteer right now in campus missionary, I want to know what are the thing that I will be doing in the future. I’m enjoying talking to students, but sometimes fear struck me, fear of rejection especially to students. Also I don’t know how to start to share the gospel. One time when we start talking about God the group of student that we are with start disappearing and its quiet hard to see.

There are still some moment when I ask if this is really my calling especially if I got a problem involving the ministry. One of the hardest moment is when one of the parent of the student in the campus arrive to the campus and the church name and my name is involve in the issue that need to be settle by one of the instructor that is also attending our church. It’s not OK for me, I felt like I’m bring God’s name as well as the church name, and the organization name too. I told myself what if I’m not really effective, what if more parents will arise and I will be the reason for the ENC to be banned in the campus. It was quiet hard to go to campus again after that. I feel like I’m about to lose, I ask God why did He even put me in this situation if He don’t want me to be effective in campus, is He playing with me, playing with my emotion. I even ask God to end my life, I even prayed for it. (That how I deep I take it )
plus one more thing, my one friend that I treat as my sister, and I even told God that she will never ever backstab me. Well she did and it was really sad, it hurt me, and even sometimes I ask myself should I trust NO ONE? Should I just start building wall so that no one can hurt me again? I don’t like the feeling that I’ve been feeling this past few days. It really hurt me.

But you know what? God just talk me to keep still the verse that confirm my calling remind me why I was in the campus, it’s not for me, it’s not because I need this job. I ask myself “Why are you in the campus?” and it’s just struck me, I’m here for the LOST , I’m here to share and make the kingdom of God known, I am here for God and not for me. I should keep my faith strong I should keep Standing firm and keep holding on to His promise.

right now, I’m struggling with my mom, currently she want me to focus on our business and not to go on campus anymore, I don’t want to dishonor my mom, but I also don’t want to dishonor God by not doing what He asked me to do. To go in campus and reach for the lost students

Answering the CALL = YES!!!

“Go therefore make Disciple of all Nation.”

Back when I start attending here in Victory Balanga, I was plugged in Every Nation Campus, at first I don’t know what is the meaning of that. The only thing I know is that it is fun, lot of singing, going to manila (with no chaperon), but upon learning what campus missionaries are doing in the campus I told myself “don’t worry that is not your forte”.

After sometimes, I try to remove myself from ENC. I tried to tell myself that I need to get out of this ministry. But whenever I tried to do it I always end-up still being in the ministry . That is the time I choose not to run anymore cause I became exhausted and tired.

I enjoy visiting campuses, but whenever I see students I felt afraid and sad. I see them being lost like just me (before), afraid that what will happen to them if we can’t share the Gospel to them in addition afraid for rejection. That they will not accept any help especially to the person they just met.

That day when the Phopetic Team  of victory malate arrive in balanga to phopecy, I was able to attend that said event. I was told that I will have a good career in our business that our business will have lot of branches and even another field in business (which is not suprising since they ask me if i’m working or not or have a business, so I assume way back there that OK there’s nothing gonna happen that will amaze me)
Then after that, he told me that I will teach students, back then my expression was “REALLY? I hate teaching” I don’t really see myself as a teacher, I know that I can’t do it. It won’t work, but maybe I should try apply for a position of instructor in one of the school here in bataan.. after that told me that I will go to different places to make the Name of the Lord and His Kingdom be known, I told myself “alright I’m going abroad”

I was really excited especially to the last one, that I will go to other place. But something change, someone ask me in the center. “don’t you like to be a fulltime” another one ask me “fulltime ka ba (are you in fulltime) “. Still wandering what’s wrong with this people I ask God, what is the meaning of fulltime. is that what He want for me. Then a lot of thought enter my mind, a thought of fear in finances, thoughts that I don’t have the ability , etc. but still I end up asking myself “how about the lost student, isn’t this is your task to Share the Gospel to the Lost” 

I ask God to help me know if this is my calling to know if I need to go fulltime, I can still serve Him even not as fulltime. I can give Him a bigger tithes if I won’t go in fulltime, but God answered me so clearly, He even use my leader I still remember that day when my leader is getting some water downstairs and I was heading to the second floor she shouted
LanieGO FOR THE CALL” . at first I thought “what is she talking about I never told her about my plan in fulltime” I even ask who’s voice is that… then I just smile .

Then ofcourse God answer me thru His Word, telling me not to worry that He will help me to speak like what He did to Moises, that I just need to stand still. Even lately a confirmation everyday. That this is my calling and I just need to keep HOLDING ON KEEP PRESSING ON ,…. FOCUS TO HIM ALL ALONE 

I THANK God for the privilege that He given to me

To USE AND MOLD my Heart according to His purpose

Calling

I been asking myself why am I still alive.?
what am I going to do in this planet?

There’s something missing in my life. There is something I been wanted to know and see. I ask God if what is His plan to me. Last february 2015 I start involving myself to our Church. I start as a volunteer in campus, talking to some student as an intern, then music ministry, and ushering, and tech.

But something is still missing

But the thing I know is I enjoy going to campus, I enjoy talking to student, and listening to their stories.

I ask myself if ever I got some change and someone approach me in my campus when I was in college or highschool I will surely be happy. I told myself that I cannot be a campus missionary, I cannot do this things because I wasn’t save in campus, I didn’t know how to speak to student, I didn’t know what to do.

but there is onething I know for sure.

God will surely use me🙂

TO my Mom

Hi ma….

you may not read this because you don’t know that i have a blog and you don’t like reading (well I got that from you)

But I just wanna tell you how happy I am that you are my mom, that you work for us. You are so strong, you are talented, you are courageous. You are pretty you have a skin like an actress kamukha mo nga si Jean Garcia diba … You have skills in talking to people (budolbudol ka nga diba) you have the best smile (ganda ng ngipin eh )

but I just want you to know that those eyes that I wanna see everyday ., I felt the anger towards me, those smiles are not genuine, those gesture those hug those kisses are not real.. I don’t know what happen, do you hate me that much ? all I want is for you to be happy to know God, to have an experience with Him. I want you to enjoy your life. I even try to do all you want, you want me to be doctor, lawyer or archi…whenever I was asked when I was a kid what’s my dream I always tell them that things. I never told them what i really want bec. I want you to be proud of me. Whenever you say NO to an event in our school, I say “yes” to you ., and “NO” to my professor and classmate (even they always calling me killJoy) what matter most is I thought that make you happy. remember the time that I ask my sister to bought you that expensive watch (10,000 pesos) even we don’t have money for the reason that you want it so badly ., I thought You will be so happy and you will cherish it . but after a months😦

but it is ok mama …🙂 I just want you to be happy .,

i want you to feel that I love you …

I’m sorry if I’m not perfect., I’m sorry if sometimes my voice get high, I’m sorry if I told my friend about our problem (dont worry I’m accountable with them that they will not judge and tell that to anyone.) I’m sorry if sometime I make Dabog , I’m really sorry if I destroy ate’s future …. I’m so so sorry … If only I can ask God to bring back time , and told Him that you should never have me … I will do it … if that will make you happy .. I love you much mama … if you only knew it ….

i tried to tell you before … but you thought that I just want something from me it’s ok

if you want me to just keep quiet I will do it .. to honor you .. but please try to lessen that words that are REALLY hard to accept and SWALLOW please… I AM STILL YOUR CHILD …. PLEASE TRY TO REMEMBER IT … pls don’t make me be the bad guy … tell them the whole story .. not JUST YOUR SIDE… you should never be the reason for other people to judge me …

I LOVE YOU MAMA… I LOVE YOU EVEN IT HURT …. I LOVE YOU ,… AND I WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY TO GOD TO CHANGE BOTH OF US …

ME ….. so that I can have the heart of child in forgiving … and a heart of stone FROM THE WORDS THAT ARE HARD TO SWALLOW ….

 

I’m sorry for NOT BEING PERFECT …

To maturity

hi ., It’s me again .

it’s been so long since the last time I make a post in this blog, some of you like it and I just want to say thank you for time in reading my blog  :)

I am 23 and turning 24 this year, I just started selling my video games early this year. I love playing games and enjoy doing things unplan. I just do what I think is the cool and easy.

I do have crushes (heheh so many just kidding) I do fell in love too, but I am so weak in keeping it, in hiding it. As a women of God I should wait for a man to pursue me and not another way around. beside it is just a happy crush. But whenever I see or hear his name I got a sparkle in my eyes hahah. I felt happiness, a “kilig” moment. it’s like I’m in highschool. aside from love I can get easily change my mood, and you can easily determineed my mode base on my action or face. I’m not good at hiding feeling… really ….

I guess I should stop posting some personal information in my blog too, I think I became so open to everyone, it’s like that they can see who really is in me, what kind of person am I and what I like and dislike. I can get easily annoyed even I’m on my twenty while other young ladies are busy preparing their future, busy earning money and busy pursuing their dream. they have plan … which I don’t have.

 

I don’t know when will maturity will hit me, but I hope I can see it sooner, I need to ask llot of question. I wanna know what happen to me, why am I like this. Why am I can easily be broken, can easily down my emotion, can change my mood and more.😦

all I want now is to … make God happy., and know my purpose in life .

UNWANTED!!!

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Being unwanted

Friendzone is hard. Especially when you love somebody that much.

Did you ever been ask by a friend of yours regarding an unwanted pregnancy, abortion or adoption?

Most of you may understand the situation of the mother (yes she is a mother!! Whether she like it or not)

But I can feel the situation of the kid. A study shows that even just a thought of abortion can affect the baby in your tummy, imagine the stress that they can feel when they knew that their mother, that one that who should give them love and cherish them wish them dead.

Some situation change when they see their baby, mother will think that they are so mean and rude to their kids just by thinking of killing their baby (well that is good)

But what if the situation just gotten worst?? Even after birth their mother keep of telling and showing them that her mother don’t love him/her. Even worst is that they ruin the life of their mother. Feeling like that is like ruining your kid’s life. They may feel that they are unworthy to be in this word. They may feel that their mother will be much happier if they gone. Worst is they may consider suicide. It’s hard to see or even know a kid is suffering that in their life. Some of them became bully in school, or will get in bad relationship wherein they can be pregnant and the cycle will continue

Believe me it is hard to see your mother being mad at all the time by just seeing your face,

It’s hard to believe that the one you love and cherish didn’t feel the same way you felt for them.

It’s hard to have a ONE SIDED love in parent/child relationship.

Imagine a mother saying to her son that

“I regret the day I choose to keep you”.

“I plan to abort you”
“I wish you death”
“I want to see you in your coffin”
Being felt like you are unwanted, unworthy, unlove by your parents is 10X pain that being broken in a romantic relationship

but ., don’t worry there is somebody who LOVE you UNCONDITIONALLY sometime His love is like ONE SIDED too, He love you but you don’t love Him. He is the ONE that will show you that you are worthy, you are wanted and you ARE LOVED.

He even DIED for you, suffer all the pain for you to be free and be LOVED.

Don’t worry, be happy because being loved by GOD is the only thing we NEED.

We WANT to be loved and liked by others but it is ok. We are loved by GOD

PS: I myself is unwanted child J BUT I never consider SUICIDE, I felt like I was changing God’s purpose in my life